Hello, Yes I am still here

Hoping you guys are still there!

So much has been going on I am not sure where to start. I have been in quite the funk as of lately. I took a break from writing - only now to find I should have been pouring out more. I find that when I write I feel better with myself and my thoughts.

I am back on an exercise plan of some sorts - I am trying to walk more. I have lost 5 pounds so far in two weeks! This alone has made a difference in my attitude.

Since January I have has one child turn 15, one turn 6, and a 7 year anniversary. My baby will be 3 in 2 weeks. I am amazed to watch them grow - but my heart gets a little sad when I realize they are growing up. Dave starts Drivers Education in a few weeks. Abby completed Kindergarten and Mason is fully potty trained. It seems like yesterday that i was kneeling down vowing to Dave to be his mom as best I could, holding a small baby wrapped in pink, and delivering the most beautiful miracle of a baby boy that I was told may not make it. Time is going by so fast.

Lately I have been facing many fears. Fears I have never had. I am watching my Granny decline in her health. I know that we will loose her before long and I am not ready to face that. As Dave gets older I realize that he will be more in the "real" world - an I am afraid I have not done enough to prepare him. As I watch friends divorce I fear for my own relationship. My husband has taken on a new position at work - which is consuming more of his time. It is so "easy and normal" to just get a divorce these days. I pray that we hold on. I have quit watching the news for the last 2 weeks. It has done wonders for my fears - it seems that when you do watch you are bombarded with horrific stories of murder, abuse, drug use, scandals, etc. A lot of stories involve children. I know it is out there - but being reminded daily was adding fuel to the fire regarding my fears.

All of this slapped me in the face the other day - I had begun to feel overwhelmed with this fear issue when I realized a key factor in all of it - I had not been placing these fears at God's feet. I had not been honest with Him. I had slacked off in my studies.

So today is a new day. Today is yet a new beginning. More to come - be blessed my friends - if you are still there?

I sought the LORD, and he answered me;he delivered me from all my fears.

Psalms 34:4

Give Me a Break

I am so pumped today! I was able to take yesterday and today off of work! I totally relaxed yesterday - ran some errands, did the laundry, made and awesome dinner - OH and played with my new camera for like 2 hours - downloading and editing pictures - relishing the memories of all of my darlings! BUT -
The best part of these two days is yet to come - I AM GOING AWAY FOR THE WEEKEND! I am so lucky to have some wonderful family and friends that like to get together every so often for a girls weekend - that's right all girls! The premise is scrap booking - now I like to scrapbook BUT I am not very creative and I cannot stand to sit for 14 hours looking at that stuff. I DO however like to go at my own pace and try to complete some pages. I am so excited to be able to have some ME time. I LOVE my darlings and my husband to pieces - I cannot get enough of them - BUT every now and then I get to a point where I say - I NEED A BREAK - please? Usually this happens the week of a planned trip like this. I am so excited to be able to go and be me - not mommy, not the wife - but just me. Is that bad? I try to be me at all times but there is something that happens when you are away from the husband and kids - I like to laugh and giggle and be silly - I like to SLEEP in, cook what I want, eat what I want, take a shower without little hands, voices, or faces peeking in at any moment, wearing flannel PJ's until 10 a.m. (or later) reading a book, but most of all on these weekends I like the time I have to be quiet. To sit on the deck alone with God and reflect, repent, and renew my relationship with HIM. I like that time I have completely alone with HIM.
I am blessed with a family that likes for me to go and do these things - every once and a while. (like twice a year if I am lucky) My kids like mommy more, my husband likes his wife refreshed, and my outlook is much better. I can take this time to reflect on myself and come back ME - the mommy and wife that I like to be.
Do not worry my fellow "Shredders" I have two recruits that are willing to shred with me on this trip - so the challenge is still on! - BUT I do plan to sleep in :) and have some delicious snacks!

So for now I wait on the Maytag man to deliver my new washer and dryer and then I am OFF for 2 DAYS!
Be Blessed!
Amy Q

Letter to The bag of Reece's

Dear Reece's Peanut Butter Cups:
I know you are there - I can hear you. I know that my sweet husband thought he was being sly by trying to hide you. I know where you are at. You are on the second shelf in a bowl that he thought I would not need. I found you. You are not welcome here. I love you deeply but I cannot continue our relationship at this time. Yes, you are a great comfort - especially when I mix you with ice cream. Yes, you bring me joy when I am sad. But along with comfort and joy you add more to me than I would like and I am tired of shredding you away day by day. I cannot go on like this.
Please quit calling me - I will not answer. Please let me go. I ask all of this with the most love. We will meet again one day when I do not rely on you so much. So until then - keep quiet up there in the bowl on the second shelf. You will be moving soon I am sure of it!
Sincerely;
Amy Q

Shredding and Working

I started working out HARD today! WOO WOO! I am super excited - I have a trip to Florida planned late February - and I want to look great - and feel great! I am excited about my new workout and hope it works - watching what I eat too.

On another topic - I am looking for more support from working mom's - I so look up to stay at home mom's and envy the time they get with their kiddos. I have worked for nearly 10 years now and I have come to realize that this is the path that God wants for me - I need to make the best of it and try to figure out how to get my act together. The guilt is doing me no good. I am going to use this as an opportunity to minister to others.

What makes your working life/home-life/mommy life work?

Amy

New Goals

So I have decided to make some goals here today - BEFORE NEW YEARS! HA! Imagine that. I have stumbled upon a lovely blog that the author is doing the shred - you know the 30 DayKillYourselfthatIDoNotKNOWHOWIWILLSURVIVE workout? Jillian Michael's hosts it - I am going to post all of the details here tomorrow -AFTER I take some pictures. YES I am going to take photos and track the progress. It will be ugly I know - It will NOT be fun - BUT I am determined to get back ME!

Here is the blog I was talking about: http://stepsof-faith.blogspot.com/

Anyone out there wanna join me??

Time Flies

Oh MY! I cannot believe how long it has been. I have thought a lot about what to post - I have been on a journey of my own. I cannot begin to describe all of the things going on right now - but this I know is true - God is near - He hold me up - He surrounds me. I will overcome all that is in my way. I will climb these mountains with His help. Most of this is self-inflicted. I have come to realize the many faults I have. I have come to realize that I am not perfect and cannot continue trying to "be" perfect or look perfect. I do not have a perfect house, marriage, children, job, family, body, or relationship with God. I am guilty of putting Him aside until I need Him. making Him convenient. I am guilty of sin. I have been in denial about my daughter - she is strong-willed and I have let her control me - I gotta get that under control. I am guilty of letting things go unsaid in my marriage - he has NO idea. I am guilty of trying to "be" something I am not.

So here it is - I have a lot of work to do. I have to continue to draw near to Him to overcome.

Here I am!

I am here - alive and well! So much busier since school has started back and I got promoted at work to VP! WOW!

So here is a quick rundown:

Oldest (14) Playing 8th grade football and of course thinks he is a "man" now - ugh...hormones! He is wanting to be baptized which I have prayed over for years! Yay GOD!

Princess (5) In kindergarten - loves it and her teacher is a gift for sure! Love her. I am experimenting with discipline techniques - some work - some do not!

Lil Man (2) OH my precious 2 year old is doing great - he has a hard time expressing himself calmly - if you know what I mean! We are working on a discipline plan for him too!

Hubby (!) He is wonderful - I had a NICE free weekend last weekend in which I did a thorough"Fall-Cleaning" I feel so much better about my house now that it is de-cluttered and the summer stuff is stored away! YAY!

Now to me:

I am really starting to get a better routine and I have found a lot of tips from all of you guys! I have involved myself in a new bible study for parents and I love it! We have a great group. Work wise I have been promoted to VP - and it is a challenge but I have enjoyed my new role. I am working hard to balance work and family better. I have been faithful in my prayer time - if you are on my list I am still praying! (if you want on my list just leave a comment and I will add you!) My study time is not so consistent - but I am listening to some great books on CD to and from work.

So there it is for now! I am going to try and update at least 2 times a week - I feel so good letting it out when I write!

Love;

Amy Q

Where have you been...

I have been very sick this week..I am better today but need more time to rest and heal.

more to come...

Reflecting

So here I am. It has been awhile. I have had a lot on my plate. As we all do I know.

I started this blog to reflect on my life, feelings, kids, and journey with my Lord.

It kinda began to consume me. I did not post as much as I wanted to but this blog has led me to others and to seek out information to try and "help" me grow. I have read a lot. I have to take a minute to be honest and raw.

The last few weeks has found me in a dark place. I have harbored a lot of anger. I am disappointed in myself as a wife, mother, friend and most of all as HIS child. I have prayed prayers for others seeking God's blessings for them. I have not been a good prayer warrior for myself or my family.

As a wife:

I have neglected my husband, I have treated him like a child and I have let the little things that annoy me consume my thoughts of him. I have snapped at him, nagged him, and other cruel things. WHY? I love him - I want to honor him. WHY? I think that for the most part I want us to be in a place that we are not. I want him to seek God as I do. I wan t him to quit doing things that are destructive to himself and to our family. He thinks I am moody and that it is no big deal. It is just how he is and I have to accept that. I feel that I don't have to accept it and that he needs to change. (THIS IS WRONG I KNOW)

As a mother: I have struggled more in the last month with my daughter. I cannot get her to listen. She is totally DRAMA and it goes against all that I would have thought for her. She went to my sisters house and was awful. I am struggling with yelling at her. She knows what button to push and BOY does she ever. I also am trying to potty train the youngest one - who only wants to potty on the floor. He has mastered NO to the point of TOTAL frustration on my part. And the oldest - well he has made it known that HE knows it all and we are totally stupid and unfair.

I am not handling all of this well at all. These gifts from God are tearing me up on the inside. I do not like the mother that I am right at this moment. I do not like the screaming, yelling, crying, and drama - THAT I AM DOING. I feel more like one of them than the one in charge.

As a friend:

I have a circle of friends - made up of 5. We have been "sisters" for the last three years. Things that are hurtful have happened. The group has been divided. Angry words have flown in e-mails. I need these ladies - at least I think I do. I have asked the parties involved to pray over it and hopefully we can repair the damage.

As HIS child:

I have not been to worship in weeks. I have not read His word in weeks. I have been faithful to my prayer journal - but as I have said it is for others. I have been angry at our home situation, our finances, my work situation that is not any better, my marriage etc.

All of this to say - Lord I am tired. I feel hopeless and afraid. I need You Lord to work in my heart. Please forgive me lord for falling away. Lord give me wisdom as I face these challenges. Bless my family Lord with your presence and help me to be the example to my husband and children that I need to be to show them You and Your love.

Amen.

Hope

Psalm 33:20-21 (New International Version)

²⁰ We wait in hope for the LORD;
he is our help and our shield.

²¹ In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name.

Waiting. I don't do that well. Last week was a test for me. Waiting on doctors to return my calls, waiting on test results, waiting on customers to call back with orders etc.

I was very negative last week. I war fearful for my son. I wanted to badly to know that he was OK. Why I could not have faith that God was in control and that I was doing a great job is beyond me. I had very little hope. I doubted the doctors that I have trusted for over 5 years now with my little one. I doubted that my son was healing.

I doubted that I would have any orders so that my numbers would increase. I had no hope that the economy was indeed getting better - at least in our region.

God was testing me. By Friday morning I had answers. Mason was healing and responding. I had 5 orders come in and more to bid this week.

Rejoice - It took some time to let it hit me. In fact if I really want to be honest here I did not rejoice until Mason woke up with visible signs that he was better. I did not really rejoice about work until I talked to my husband about it Sunday.

I am ashamed of that. I think that all of the negativity that has filtered into my life the last few weeks has hurt my hope and my faith.

The key word in the verse above is wait. WE WAIT IN HOPE. We are in a world that is instant - e-mails, faxes, Internet, chats and more tools that we have gives us instant data and instant "answers" but God wants us to wait. Let Him be the healer. Wait.

Then He wants us to REJOICE because we trust His holy name.

I am thankful that I have answers and that I have been blessed. Yesterday I held my babe and cuddled with him. I was thankful that he was getting better and that God has blessed me now with 2 years of him. Yes, he turned 2 yesterday! I read heart-wrenching stories of mommy's that have to say goodbye to their babies so early. God has blessed me with this child for two years! Time has gone quickly - but I am so proud to be his mommy. I said a prayer last night for him and for other mom's that might be hurting. I hope we all realize that there is hope. We are blessed. God is GOOD!

Praying that all of you have hope in your dark times.

Love;

Amy Q

No Guts No Glory?

Yesterday I had my evaluation at work. I haven't had one in 5 years folks! If you don't already know I work for my family business in sales. My job has changed considerably in the last year due to the loss of my boss last December.
We have not had a great year so far. Its a "tough economic time" for us too. My evaluation was really good - work hard, steps up to the plate, accepts challenges, works well with people, etc. I scored a 4+ out of five on my evaluation that included averaging my co-workers evaluation of me, the presidents evaluation of me (dad) and my evaluation of me. I want to note that my evaluation of myself was slightly lower than anyone else. All was going great. It lasted 2 1/2 hours.
Here is where the guts come in. At the end of all of our evaluations comes the time where you may or may not get a raise. Well it was brought up and I told them that I thought I deserved a raise on my base salary - have not had one since 2003 - things have changed for me a lot since then - 2 babies born, daycare costs up, cost of living increases, medical bills SKY high so I felt a little help there was warranted after all I had a high score and I have worked VERY hard.
My father thought I was OUT OF MY MIND. It got really heated. It was hurtful. It was not good. I do not like confrontation at all. I finally stated that I understood that I am not meeting my quota this year so far - but I have in the past 6 years and I did not think it was right to punish me for this year and note look at the past 6 years. here is what I got -
"Bottom line you are an expense and not making enough $$ to cover your cost (for the whole department) your commission is your raise - you hit that then you will have your raise."
I had the GUTS but there is no Glory in that.
You have to realize that my job is not just sales like the description states. I do a lot more than that. I manage the whole department - run reports, marketing, etc. Stuff my sales manager did when he was alive. I also run the company when they are out on their many vacations. (They are going to Austrailia in November for 26 days!) I take care of little problems that pop up that the other employees don't want to bother them with.
So what does all of this mean? I do not know. I am still stinging from the hurtful words that were said, my head hurts from thinking about it, my heart hurts from it too.
Part of me wants to quit. Part of me wants to just keep moving day by day.
God knows what will happen and all I can do is listen to him and try to make the right decisions daily. That doesn't mean that it is going to be easy to go to work today.

Normal

So I have been thinking on this one for a little while and I am sorting out my thoughts on:
What is NORMAL?
I read several blogs and I find that all of the authors and I have at least something in common - but we are very different on several levels. I like to see what others are doing raising children, being married, working - or staying at home, growing in the Lord, cooking, cleaning, and homemaking.
When I read these blogs I start to think a lot about my life. Am I NORMAL?
I have decided that NO I am not - we shouldn't have those thoughts. I am unique. I have unique children, husband, and household. I am ME. I am loving, caring, nurturing, funny, and most of all I am God's child. I have flaws. I am not perfect. BUT - I love God and strive to be my best for Him and my family.
Normal for me is not normal for others. That is OK. I am OK. You are OK. We are all made in God's image. We are all His children and just like my children are all different we are all different to Him as well.
So there you have it I am NOT normal - and I am OK with that!
Love;
Amy Q

Summer

Well if you did not know Summer will be officially here on Sunday. It already feels like summer to me - and has for several weeks. maybe it is because of the 90 degree weather we have had. OR all of the activities we have done - Water parks, lake trips, swimming, Popsicles, sprinklers and using the AC more! I love summer. I love to be out on the lake soaking up the sun - with my SPF 50 sunblock of course! I love to spend more time outside! I love to watch the kids play late into the evening. It is just a fun time of year for us.

What fun things are you planning for Summer?

Give me Patience

1 Thessalonians 5:12-14 (New International Version)

 ¹²Now we ask you, brothers, to respect those who work hard among you, who are over you in the Lord and who admonish you. ¹³Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work. Live in peace with each other. ¹⁴And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone.

This struck me this morning like a ton of bricks.  It was towards the end of my reading and I caught myself being hurried.  "Live in PEACE with each other....be patient with everyone"  I don't know about you but I have not done so well with these two.  I am an encourager, kind, loving, a helper by nature - but I do not live in peace all of the time.  I think of my mornings - If I wake up late it is RUSH,RUSH,RUSH - a lot of "hurry up!" and "let's GO" and "NOW" Not very peaceful or patient.

I get angry at work sometimes.  I want things done right the first time - because I feel that I don't have time to "fix" things.  I get frustrated when other people's problems become mine. I get selfish thinking "why do I have to deal, with ....?"  This cause a very un-peaceful and inpatient attitude.

And after work I find I am most at peace after the "get home, love kiddos and get dinner done routine - and we are all outplaying in the yard.  I relish the memories that we are making with our kids - playing a game of tag, swinging on the swings, digging in the dirt and playing kickball.  Hearing their giggles and laughter brings me peace.

My question is "why can't I look at those things and relish my morning times and look at the good in the people around me during my day?"   I need patience.I need to live in peace.  I need to focus on the good in all things God places before me.  I need to be aware of my words and my tone.  I need to look at others in a different light.  

I pray that God blesses you all and that you too may find Peace and Patience during your day today.

Love;

Amy Q

Time

Time goes so very fast.  I have time on my mind a lot.  I need to re-focus my time.  Time with God, husband, children, friends, family, work, church etc.  We celebrated our 6th anniversary on the 10th which happened to be Mothers Day as well.  What a celebration.  my husband and I have been through many ups and downs and we always seem to overcome whatever God puts in our path.  Sometimes we have struggled through it and other times it was a blessing to have a roadblock.  I am blessed to have a partner who supports me and understands me.  He is so very patient with me.  I love him!! 

My daughter turns 5 in June.  I cannot believe that my angel girl is going to be five.  I have a special post for her coming up.  She is a delight!

Mason got a "real" haircut last week and my he is a little man now.  But I relish the morning moments when he only wants "lovies" from mommy.  He is so tender-hearted and loving.

Time.  I have not been as faithful in my reading.  I am continuing to have prayer time in the mornings and in the car as much as I can - but I thirst for His word.  Time.

I watch as my Granny falls deeper into Parkinson's Disease.  Her time is fading faster each day.  I miss her - the Granny I have known all of my life is no longer there.  

Time.  We rush and rush and the time goes by.  I need to re-focus my time before it slips by and I have regrets.

Amy Q

Weekend Re-cap

Happy Mother's day to all!!  I had a wonderful weekend!  We spent time with my mom and granny on Saturday.  My sweet kiddos got me flowers for my flowerbeds and my hubby cooked me a steak dinner complete with a cake last night.  I did NO cooking and little cleaning yesterday.  We invited my neighbor and her family and my parents for dinner so I did help some with house preparations.  It was also my 6th anniversary to my wonderful man.  He and I have been through our share of ups and downs and I am proud to be his wife now for 6 years and many more to come.  I pray that you are all having a great week and had a blessed mother's day!

Love;

Amy Q

Texas Snow and Strep Throat?/

I was trying to get a picture of what we like to call Texas Snow in our neighborhood.  It never fails this time of year you can go outside and see white fluffy "flakes" floating around and covering your yard with a white blanket of "snow" or for better clarification cottonwood seeds.  Our yard this morning was COVERED with the stuff! It is actually kinda pretty - but unfortunately it does not melt.  Instead it piles up and if it rains it gets really goopy and gross.  Not to mention it doesn't help allergy sufferers.

So my next point is about strep throat.  We flew our sales guy in from Lubbock on Tuesday.  He was to help me out and to do some training while my parents were in the Bahamas.  He wasn't feeling too well but he was OK according to him.  So yesterday we had a trip to make that required about 4 hour of driving.  IN MY TRUCK.  When we got back he said he HAD to go to the DR because he was REALLY sick.  When he returned he gave me the news that he had "severe Strep Throat"  GREAT.  So I sent him to his Hotel and disinfected everything I could think of and prayed over my car seats to PLEASE don't let my kids catch this.

So far so good - but we shall see.  Please pray!!

Revised Reflection

My blog name is Reflections in my Mirror.  I thought it would be good to show you my reflection as I see it today.

This morning I thought a lot about my reflection.  So here I go.

Physically - I have great eyes! Really I do.  I could use a haircut.  I need to loose some weight - but that too will come. 

Emotionally: I am a mixture of emotions.  I am reading a book on Peace.  True Peace in God that I long for.  I long to feel at ease and that God truly is working on me.  I am happy.  I look around me and I feel happy.  I am sad that hubby and i had an argument and we have yet to work it out - but we agreed to talk about it more after we have each thought about the issue at hand and can speak better about it to one another.  I am hopeful that this journey I am on will be successful.

Spiritually: the Peace I spoke of earlier is my main focus.  i am settled with God about my sins and I am working on those.  I have prayed more lately and that makes me feel closer to God.  I need to read more in His word.

I am very tired of stress.  I want to banish it!  I want change in a lot of things - my mothering, my marriage, my work, my relationships.  I have to come to terms with those things.

God is working - it takes time I know.  But HE is near and I am feeling HIM more everyday.

So that is what I am "seeing" in my mirror today!

Amy Quinn

Making a Happy Home Monday

UPDATE: 2 nights in a row!!!



Ok: this is late I know, but my happy home Monday came late and I was trying to stay on task. In my post yesterday I was pretty stressed out. BUT, it is amazing how if you write it out you can come to a resolution quickly. So here is what made my home happy yesterday:
I left work ON TIME instead of staying later
I picked up the lil one's from pre-school
I Got home and spent a few minutes hugging an loving on the kiddos
I had princess help me cook - SHE LOVED IT!!
Lil man liked to play in the flour..made a mess but it was quickly cleaned up.
We all sat and ate together without the TV on (It was not even turned on at all!!!)
Switched out laundry
Bathed lil ones/ready for bed/story time/lil man to bed (8:15!!!!!)/bible time with Princess
Princess in bed (8:45!!!!!!) She did not stay but I did not give in either!
Folded laundry/cleaned up kitchen
Showered, ready for bed (9:30!!!!)
Prayer time
Hugged the hubby - he was outside in his shop working on a truck to sell
Bedtime without TV on! (10:00)
YEAH ME!!!!
So what made my home happier was setting up a schedule and turning off that TV!! And it did not kill me.
I was able to get up this morning full of energy and had some extra time to pray.
Love;
Amy Q
So that folks is my new goal - setting up a schedule that works and trying to stick to it.

Why do I feel like I am going through the motions

I want to share some thoughts about myself today that I have struggled with for a long time.  I want to be real to you  - all three of you! By writing things out I feel like I can sort it out and maybe come up with a resolution.  I am tired today.  I am tired of looking in the mirror an wondering who that really is.  I am a wife.  I am a mom. I am a daughter and a sister.  I am a co-worker.  I am a friend.  Why do I look so unhappy? God has blessed me with many great things.  I was spared from cancer, birthed 2 wonderful children, healed of MRSA, have a great husband, home, and family.  Why do I feel like I am running in circles.  I feel like I cannot accomplish much.  I tried to clean this weekend only to find that as a room was cleaned and I was off to another the clean room was quickly messed up AGAIN.  I tried to cook from scratch all weekend only to find that no one but lil man ate with me.  AND don't get me started on the laundry.  To top it off I did not wake when I should have. ( I was only an hour behind)  I feel like I am in a vicious cycle.  I cannot get a hold of a good schedule. (Did I really have one anyway?) I have prayed many times today that God will help calm my heart.  I feel like I am out of control and I need balance.  I want to do so many things for my husband and children.  I want to be a better wife and mom.  I just need better direction.  I feel that I am going nowhere on this path.  Now I just need to find another path.  Have any of you felt this way?  What helped you? I would love to have feedback.

Love;

Amy Q