I started this blog to reflect on my life, feelings, kids, and journey with my Lord.
It kinda began to consume me. I did not post as much as I wanted to but this blog has led me to others and to seek out information to try and "help" me grow. I have read a lot. I have to take a minute to be honest and raw.
The last few weeks has found me in a dark place. I have harbored a lot of anger. I am disappointed in myself as a wife, mother, friend and most of all as HIS child. I have prayed prayers for others seeking God's blessings for them. I have not been a good prayer warrior for myself or my family.
As a wife:
I have neglected my husband, I have treated him like a child and I have let the little things that annoy me consume my thoughts of him. I have snapped at him, nagged him, and other cruel things. WHY? I love him - I want to honor him. WHY? I think that for the most part I want us to be in a place that we are not. I want him to seek God as I do. I wan t him to quit doing things that are destructive to himself and to our family. He thinks I am moody and that it is no big deal. It is just how he is and I have to accept that. I feel that I don't have to accept it and that he needs to change. (THIS IS WRONG I KNOW)
As a mother: I have struggled more in the last month with my daughter. I cannot get her to listen. She is totally DRAMA and it goes against all that I would have thought for her. She went to my sisters house and was awful. I am struggling with yelling at her. She knows what button to push and BOY does she ever. I also am trying to potty train the youngest one - who only wants to potty on the floor. He has mastered NO to the point of TOTAL frustration on my part. And the oldest - well he has made it known that HE knows it all and we are totally stupid and unfair.
I am not handling all of this well at all. These gifts from God are tearing me up on the inside. I do not like the mother that I am right at this moment. I do not like the screaming, yelling, crying, and drama - THAT I AM DOING. I feel more like one of them than the one in charge.
As a friend:
I have a circle of friends - made up of 5. We have been "sisters" for the last three years. Things that are hurtful have happened. The group has been divided. Angry words have flown in e-mails. I need these ladies - at least I think I do. I have asked the parties involved to pray over it and hopefully we can repair the damage.
As HIS child:
I have not been to worship in weeks. I have not read His word in weeks. I have been faithful to my prayer journal - but as I have said it is for others. I have been angry at our home situation, our finances, my work situation that is not any better, my marriage etc.
All of this to say - Lord I am tired. I feel hopeless and afraid. I need You Lord to work in my heart. Please forgive me lord for falling away. Lord give me wisdom as I face these challenges. Bless my family Lord with your presence and help me to be the example to my husband and children that I need to be to show them You and Your love.