Friday, July 24, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Psalm 33:20-21 (New International Version)
20 We wait in hope for the LORD;
he is our help and our shield.
21 In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name.
Waiting. I don't do that well. Last week was a test for me. Waiting on doctors to return my calls, waiting on test results, waiting on customers to call back with orders etc.
I was very negative last week. I war fearful for my son. I wanted to badly to know that he was OK. Why I could not have faith that God was in control and that I was doing a great job is beyond me. I had very little hope. I doubted the doctors that I have trusted for over 5 years now with my little one. I doubted that my son was healing.
I doubted that I would have any orders so that my numbers would increase. I had no hope that the economy was indeed getting better - at least in our region.
God was testing me. By Friday morning I had answers. Mason was healing and responding. I had 5 orders come in and more to bid this week.
Rejoice - It took some time to let it hit me. In fact if I really want to be honest here I did not rejoice until Mason woke up with visible signs that he was better. I did not really rejoice about work until I talked to my husband about it Sunday.
I am ashamed of that. I think that all of the negativity that has filtered into my life the last few weeks has hurt my hope and my faith.
The key word in the verse above is wait. WE WAIT IN HOPE. We are in a world that is instant - e-mails, faxes, Internet, chats and more tools that we have gives us instant data and instant "answers" but God wants us to wait. Let Him be the healer. Wait.
Then He wants us to REJOICE because we trust His holy name.
I am thankful that I have answers and that I have been blessed. Yesterday I held my babe and cuddled with him. I was thankful that he was getting better and that God has blessed me now with 2 years of him. Yes, he turned 2 yesterday! I read heart-wrenching stories of mommy's that have to say goodbye to their babies so early. God has blessed me with this child for two years! Time has gone quickly - but I am so proud to be his mommy. I said a prayer last night for him and for other mom's that might be hurting. I hope we all realize that there is hope. We are blessed. God is GOOD!
Praying that all of you have hope in your dark times.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
We have not had a great year so far. Its a "tough economic time" for us too. My evaluation was really good - work hard, steps up to the plate, accepts challenges, works well with people, etc. I scored a 4+ out of five on my evaluation that included averaging my co-workers evaluation of me, the presidents evaluation of me (dad) and my evaluation of me. I want to note that my evaluation of myself was slightly lower than anyone else. All was going great. It lasted 2 1/2 hours.
Here is where the guts come in. At the end of all of our evaluations comes the time where you may or may not get a raise. Well it was brought up and I told them that I thought I deserved a raise on my base salary - have not had one since 2003 - things have changed for me a lot since then - 2 babies born, daycare costs up, cost of living increases, medical bills SKY high so I felt a little help there was warranted after all I had a high score and I have worked VERY hard.
My father thought I was OUT OF MY MIND. It got really heated. It was hurtful. It was not good. I do not like confrontation at all. I finally stated that I understood that I am not meeting my quota this year so far - but I have in the past 6 years and I did not think it was right to punish me for this year and note look at the past 6 years. here is what I got -
"Bottom line you are an expense and not making enough $$ to cover your cost (for the whole department) your commission is your raise - you hit that then you will have your raise."
I had the GUTS but there is no Glory in that.
You have to realize that my job is not just sales like the description states. I do a lot more than that. I manage the whole department - run reports, marketing, etc. Stuff my sales manager did when he was alive. I also run the company when they are out on their many vacations. (They are going to Austrailia in November for 26 days!) I take care of little problems that pop up that the other employees don't want to bother them with.
So what does all of this mean? I do not know. I am still stinging from the hurtful words that were said, my head hurts from thinking about it, my heart hurts from it too.
Part of me wants to quit. Part of me wants to just keep moving day by day.
God knows what will happen and all I can do is listen to him and try to make the right decisions daily. That doesn't mean that it is going to be easy to go to work today.