Just thoughts

I am dealing with a lot of the regular old kindergarten blues lately. I cannot for the life of me get over that the lil 6lb baby girl I brought home from the hospital 5 years ago is now wandering the halls in a BIG school. Toting her pink backpack and purple lunch kit. I cannot believe how much she is learning already. She is delighted each day to tell me all about her new adventures. I am happy that this has been a good experience thus far and we are SO blessed she has a great teacher.

But she is that lil pink ball of goodness from 5 years ago. She is the lil princess that needs her mommy. She is that little babe I snuggled with, sang to, and played with. To see her "growing up" so quickly tugs at my heart. I am mixed up over this.

To top it all she has changed so much over the last few months - I am struggling with her discipline. I plan to read another book with the hope of finding new ideas to try out. She is an AMAZING girl with so much heart and soul - but boy does she ever have to have the last word!

Her first day I talked about GREEN. The second day was ORANGE! Excessive talking - not my child :) She LOVES to talk and SING. It was no surprise that she has issues with this at school.

On another note, my lil guy is becoming his own lil person too. He realizes that HE gets to go the Sharon's by himself. I thought he might have a little trouble - NOPE, he loves it. He gets one on one time with me every morning on our way. He gets to be the big boy and walk in by himself. He is SO cut if I say so myself! His new word is AIRPLANE!

The oldest - well you know how those 14 yr olds are - it is a great time for him. He is in 8th grade - big man on campus. Made the "A" team in football. We are excited for him. He is going to a youth rally at church in a few weeks. I am excited about that.

I was reminded of a verse the other day - Ex. 14:14, "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." I am moved by this!

Hope y'all all have a blessed week.

Love;

Amy Q

To Be Green

I love green - it means go, it means clean, it could mean $$ (not much in my house). Yesterday was the first day of school. My sweet daughter went to kindergarten. It was a crazy morning. I had it all mapped out - up and at'em and we really had a great start. I had my plan in action - youngest to daycare, drop oldest off at Jr. high, and then walk my sweet girl to her class, making sure she was happy and in her seat promptly at 7:50. Yep that was the plan. At 7:05 we were out the door and off to the races. We talked about the day and what she should expect - she was so very excited. As I turned into the drive at daycare - which by the way is 8 miles from where we live - my youngest started to whimper - then he cried - then he vomited - ALL over the car. My daughter then proceeded to tell me she needed to potty BAD. I rushed her inside to potty grabbed towels from daycare worker and told them my youngest price would NOT be at school. I took princess out to the car and "cleaned" up my lil man as best I could - without vomiting myself!

I made a frantic call to daddy and told him to hi-tail it home to take care of the sickly one. (Daddy was 30 minutes away) It is now about 7:20. I drive back to town drop off the oldest wish him a happy day - with not much reaction. I rush through the traffic in our little town to the house and take the little ones inside. I wash up the lil one - daddy comes in. It is now 7:50. Princess knows we are late because she can read a clock. She begins to cry. I console her into the car and proceed to take her to school. We rush into the classroom where I see the teacher doing a back to school activity. Princess goes to her chair sits down and turns to the page they were on - she never knew I even left.

I went through my day checking on the youngest who was with Daddy. He was fine. I thought of my lil girl a lot. Wondering how she was and if she missed me or if she was scared or if she was paying attention and not talking 90 miles an hour. Oh I prayed for her and her teacher.

So daddy went and picked the girl up - she called me on the way home. I asked her how her day was - here was her response:

"Momma I stayed on GREEN all day!"

That is all. That was what was important to her.

I think about that - I wish I could "stay on green" all day. Makes you think - we do have our Father watching over us nudging us onward. I know too often I am not on :green" so to speak. I have had a few RED days for sure.

So yes; my lil price was GREEN all day and the princess was ON GREEN, and the oldest - well he needs more GREEN for MORE school supplies.

Reflecting

So here I am. It has been awhile. I have had a lot on my plate. As we all do I know.

I started this blog to reflect on my life, feelings, kids, and journey with my Lord.

It kinda began to consume me. I did not post as much as I wanted to but this blog has led me to others and to seek out information to try and "help" me grow. I have read a lot. I have to take a minute to be honest and raw.

The last few weeks has found me in a dark place. I have harbored a lot of anger. I am disappointed in myself as a wife, mother, friend and most of all as HIS child. I have prayed prayers for others seeking God's blessings for them. I have not been a good prayer warrior for myself or my family.

As a wife:

I have neglected my husband, I have treated him like a child and I have let the little things that annoy me consume my thoughts of him. I have snapped at him, nagged him, and other cruel things. WHY? I love him - I want to honor him. WHY? I think that for the most part I want us to be in a place that we are not. I want him to seek God as I do. I wan t him to quit doing things that are destructive to himself and to our family. He thinks I am moody and that it is no big deal. It is just how he is and I have to accept that. I feel that I don't have to accept it and that he needs to change. (THIS IS WRONG I KNOW)

As a mother: I have struggled more in the last month with my daughter. I cannot get her to listen. She is totally DRAMA and it goes against all that I would have thought for her. She went to my sisters house and was awful. I am struggling with yelling at her. She knows what button to push and BOY does she ever. I also am trying to potty train the youngest one - who only wants to potty on the floor. He has mastered NO to the point of TOTAL frustration on my part. And the oldest - well he has made it known that HE knows it all and we are totally stupid and unfair.

I am not handling all of this well at all. These gifts from God are tearing me up on the inside. I do not like the mother that I am right at this moment. I do not like the screaming, yelling, crying, and drama - THAT I AM DOING. I feel more like one of them than the one in charge.

As a friend:

I have a circle of friends - made up of 5. We have been "sisters" for the last three years. Things that are hurtful have happened. The group has been divided. Angry words have flown in e-mails. I need these ladies - at least I think I do. I have asked the parties involved to pray over it and hopefully we can repair the damage.

As HIS child:

I have not been to worship in weeks. I have not read His word in weeks. I have been faithful to my prayer journal - but as I have said it is for others. I have been angry at our home situation, our finances, my work situation that is not any better, my marriage etc.

All of this to say - Lord I am tired. I feel hopeless and afraid. I need You Lord to work in my heart. Please forgive me lord for falling away. Lord give me wisdom as I face these challenges. Bless my family Lord with your presence and help me to be the example to my husband and children that I need to be to show them You and Your love.

Amen.